EVERY NOW AND THEN*I KNOW

 For her its not a battle for power and glory, more a stance to protect the vulnerable voice thats not being heard, ignored, lost, left feeling invisible and at risk of exploitation.   The woman knows the ground so well, the same battlefield, surrendering so often in the name of peace, yet left feeling defeated and only too well aware of the emotional casualties, the stagnation, the lack of growth,  the hanging on in there for the hope of change.  Some wait all their lives, as the song says a train arrives and never leaves, and some keep that last remant of fuel…the flicker of light in the darkness that provides the energy, the courage to get up and leave under their own steam, at times coming out of their ears and baring their teeth……….DONT GET IN MY WAY!!!!!! IVE HAD IT WITH MY OWN SELF DELUSION.

Search for the hero inside yourself the song rings out, we all need heros they say, someone we can look up to.  I think that even as a child I struggled and grappled with this.  Where most girls spoke of their knights in shining armour, something deep inside wanted so to speak about my gypsy boy and tell them that somehow they had got it wrong, now I see we were just different, and thats OK. I didnt like the image of the maiden in the tower waiting for her prince to come and rescue her somehow? I didnt and never want to be in the tower waiting, I wanted and still do, want independance, standing on my own two feet with someone to share, show and search with.

  My hero who came,  as if magic,  from a place way deep down inside myself was different,  when  he was there everything was ok somehow, and that was also his message to me,  when things were too much for me to understand and I just wanted to hide in the shadows and not be in a place that felt helpless and hopeless.  His was the voice that kept telling me that one day it would be OK. 

 In my minds eye, in the moments of solitude I imagined him stretch out his hand and say come!!! and we would go ride in the wilds happy and free, even writing this brings a smile to my face………….Gosh, what would a psychiatrist say to that, escapism, denial, longing for freedom from responsibility.   WELL HELL YES!!!!!!WHY NOT!!!!! Even if its only in my mind, the escape hatch of imagination that can bring  respite, refreshment, recuperation, rest and renewed hope that things will be OK, after all the realities will still be there tommorrow!!! will they not?, and as an adult I must deal with them.

Its not that many years ago, shortly after leaving a psychologically abusive marraige that I had a serious talk with myself, Now Audrey, this gyspy boy? , Doesn’t he belong to the days of childhood, when it was ok to believe in such hero figures or secret friends,……. isnt it time you let go?, time to grow up and stop imagining such things,  stop going back to that image when the proverbial Shit hits the fan????? 

 Well the answer was Yes!!! Things had changed, I had grown, deepened, stretched and widened, sat with my life in my hands and examined it, from all angles and with a gentle friend,  exploring, deciding what could stay, what was authentic, and what was born of my misconception, misunderstanding and misfortune to experience, and I did for a while make a decision to forget him and grow up.

But sadly I failed. I missed my imaginary friend too much, the gift of my soul, and he is back (hangs head) but in my defense, should psychiatry decide I am not all there, how could one abandon such a friend and gift, when he saw me through so much and accompanied me on my journey, never leaving me in times of trouble, always there, the quiet, still voice spiralling through the thick fog, softly repeating, it will be OK,…. come take my hand and escape the madness for a short while.  Everything has its time, everything passes, things change, but some things last, dont lose their power, their potency for raising one up, out and above if only for a short while. 

 Well thats my excuse and Im sticking to it………The gyspy boy stays, the cr*p goes and If it aint broke dont fix it!!!!!!!!!

This is something I have stored on my computer, something I need to remind myself to do at times, just be, here, now, smiling……It can change my day, and if I remember and practice it often enough I exercise that happy muscle and somehow it strengthens me. Of course it doesnt change, situation or circumstance but it can place me in a better frame of mind to deal with whatever comes my way….I love the title, after all my future IS the next second, minute, hour, day>>>>>>>>>>>> away, and I hold the pen as to how I want to feel that second, minute etc. I imagine my happy muscle and my misery muscle and decide which one is going to get my love and attention today…………..Not always easy, takes effort at times, but its just a matter of where I put my effort and the end result………..If I look at it this way then I know what I must do.    I hope you enjoy this too.

THEY GAVE EACH OTHER A SMILE WITH A FUTURE IN IT

From “Being Peace,” by Thich Nhat Hanh:

From time to time, to remind ourselves to relax, to be peaceful, we my wish to set aside some time for a retreat, a day of mindfulness, when we can walk slowly, smile, drink tea with a friend, enjoy being together as if we are the happiest people on Earth. This is not a retreat, it is a treat. During walking meditation, during kitchen and garden work, during sitting meditation, all day long, we can practice smiling. At first you may find it difficult to smile, and we have to think about why. Smiling means that we are ourselves, that we have sovereignty over ourselves, that we are not drowned into forgetfulness. This kind of smile can be seen on the faces of Buddhas and bodisattvas.

I would like to offer one short poem you can recite from time to time, while breathing and smiling.

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment
I know this is a wonderful moment.

‘Breathing in, I calm my body.’ This line is like drinking a glass of ice water-you feel the cold, the freshness, permeate your body. When I breathe in and recite this line, I actually feel the breathing calming my body, calming my mind.

‘Breathing out, I smile.’ You know the effect of a smile. A smile can relax hundreds of muscles in your face, and relax your nervous system. A smile makes you master of yourself. That is why the Buddhas and the bodhisattvas are always smiling. When you smile, you realize the wonder of the smile.

‘Dwelling in the present moment.’ While I sit here, I don’t think of somewhere else, of the future or the past. I sit here, and I know where I am. This is very important. We tend be alive in the future, not now. We say, ‘Wait until I finish school and get my Ph.D. degree, and then I will be really alive.’ When we have it, and it’s not easy to get, we say to ourselves, ‘I have to wait until I have a job in order to be really alive.’ And then after the job, a car. After the car, a house. We are not capable of being alive in the present moment. We tend to postpone being alive to the future, the distant future, we don’t know when. Now is not the moment to be alive. We may never be alive at all in our entire life. Therefore the technique, if we have to speak of a technique, is to be in the present moment, to be aware that we are here and now, and the only moment to be alive is the present moment.

‘I know this is a wonderful moment.’ This is the only moment that is real. To be here and now, and enjoy the present moment is our most wonderful task. ‘Calming, Smiling, Present moment, Wonderful moment.’ I hope you will try it.