EVERY NOW AND THEN*I KNOW

GREAT SPIRITS HAVE ALWAYS ENCOUNTERED VIOLENT OPPOSITION FROM MEDIOCRE MINDS ( Albert Einstein) 

Over the years Ive kept a personal journal, I have found it to be a great tool, a place where I can write what I imagine to be the real me at that time, a place where I can express my hopes, my fears, my gifts, my weaknesses.  Every now and then theres an inner knowing that I simply need/must sit down and reread what Ive written. In it I ask for what I need, what I would like to give of myself and things Ive been grateful for in my life.

Time in the past when Ive been all at sea or felt stuck, I write the I am symbolically… I find this very grounding.  Here I am..

I AM FROM LOVE

I am from pain, the pain of anothers labour

I am from darkness, born into light

I am from the channel, soft and warm

I am of the lone journey, to join life

I am the breath of life, my being

I am creation, unique, yet the same

I am of life and love

I am the child   

I am the mother                                                                                       

I am the orphan                                            

I am the parent                                                

I am the lover                                                 

I am loved                                                       

I am touched                                                

I am alone                                                        

 I am the silence  

 I am the thinker 

I am the thought of another 

 I am remembered 

 I am the forgotten one 

 I am known

I am the unknown, even to myself

I am the wind that stirs

I am the ice of time, frozen

I am the rain that formed the ice

I am the full moon that illuminates that which is frozen

I am the sun that warms

I am the rays that soften and melt

 I AM ONCE AGAIN MOVEMENT, I AM THE DISCOVERER, I AM THE ONE WHO JOURNEYS

I am just me, no more, no less, just Audrey

We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but for the grace to transform them.  
Simone Weil
 

I had thought Id learned my lesson well, but it seems not. Without meaning to I found myself transported back these past few days to a place that I left years ago, physically it would appear,yet I can see I have yet to travel some distance for the emotional leaving behind.

I have had Pats address for some time now, and at his request I have passed it on to everyone who needs it, everyone Pat would like to hear from.. I was also aware that his father would not have the address and given the recent capture of the british sailors and marines in Iraqi waters I felt it churlish not to send it to him.

Ive learned not to contact the man I spent 25 years of my life with and shared such beautiful children with, due to his behaviour which has ever been mentally and emotionally abusive, not only to me and the children, but many people he claimed to love and were close to him.  His response has left me saddened that even in these circumstances he cannot find it in his heart to leave his bitterness behind.

Along with the address I mentioned that I had sent some packages to Patrick and mentioned some of the contents so he would know what he had and could perhaps send something he may think he needs.  His response was a curt thank you, later followed by another e.mail stating that he and his family were having a mass said for Patrick which was far more meaningful than any material things I send him………Im annoyed with myself that I allow words like this that Ive heard so often throughout our marraige to still hurt me…but they do..

This e.mail was followed by 11 more all of an abusive nature no doubt, however I stopped opening them after the third, the rest remain in outer space somewhere.  He recommends I find my faith again and go back to church.

I could only respond that his value judgement as to what would be meaningful to our son at this time is just his opinion nothing more, and that my faith is non of his business nor anyone elses for that matter, just as his is non of mine.  I ended that given his christianity is something that appears to hold great value to him that perhaps one day he might just learn something called forgiveness……..-THEN I WENT AND BIT THE PILLOW..LOL

My story does not end here, his second e.mail was full of veiled threats about calling the children to give testament in court,perjury and prison sentances.etc etc etc, and my qualifying for legal aid. He had been told I would not be challenging his application in order to resolve things quickly

Much of his efforts to date have gone into attempting to have my legal aid withdrawn

I recieved my mail yesterday morning, amongst the mail a letter from the legal aid board, Oh god I thought here we go again, another attempt, another allegation to disprove, evidence to send…. dah dah dah

Could I believe what I was reading????, I had to look and look again, my jaw dropped, The board have TURNED DOWN his application for legal assistance………I could not believe what I was reading, given his circumstances, I had taken it as a given that he would qualify

MAYBE JUST MAYBE THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL… we shall see, an appeal will no doubt be made, but who knows??

Given Patricks circumstances it all seems so irrelevant as do his attempts to bully me into submission, fostering fear and suspicion..IT DOESNT MATTER IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS!!!

Upwards and onwards, leaving the christian soldier to fight himself whilst I continue to send meaningful packages to my son…something tangible :)  

“Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.” ~Nora Roberts

Tina Turners song had great significance for me at one point in my life, today it holds the same meaning for me, perhaps in some ways this song and I have grown together over the years.

There are some things in life we cant change, but that doesnt mean we have to accept them, I reserve the right to leave, to work toward something better, something more wholesome, positive and peaceful. To be seen, heard and valued for my labours no matter how small and insignificant they may appear to some. 

 I reserve the right to ask and work for peace, and to continue to do that till I draw my last breath. You too have that right, that gift, I reserve the right to my sacred space at times when you chose not to use your right, times when you create turmoil to defend your stance, to cover your own mistakes.

 Power my love is not in how loud you can shout in the face of the innocents, how well you can manipulate situations and abuse the love of those around you for your own advantage….Power is the acceptance of responsibility for your own mistakes, its ownership, its the choosing to grow, to learn, to develop, evolve and change, bringing about something lasting that wont flee your grip, elude and evade you. Power doesnt have to be fought for, not when you find it inside, sitting alongside, keeping good company with personal responsibility, for its yours, found within, not outside yourself. 

 That power is the greatest gift you can show those you brought into this world, in doing this you become a great teacher, a builder a free man, rather than a puppet of the circumstances and the emotions you work so hard to foster…. Fear, mistrust, suspicion amongst many.

This my love is my declaration of peace, my catharsis, my place, my right, its not something I have nor feel the need to fight you for…… FOR THEY BELONG WITH ME and my desire right now is that one day you will come to understand this in all its fullness…not for my sake you understand, rather that day you will be on the path to all your truly meant to be.

A man responsible for peace.

Sent over the ether with good intent x

Whilst visiting a beautiful garden today, a white dove, the bird of peace, followed me back here to spend a little time..it will fly back home again..x for Ruth

Times when I feel a little lost, too tired, I play this as a reminder somehow make the effort to get up and go… Go home to that place, where theres a woman living there, who knows, THIS IS NOWHERE.

My ongoing situation, regarding finances, I correct that, regarding change.. always flares up when steps I take bring closure that bit closer….The seven year itch, seven years bad luck…….Im not superstitious but maybe there is something in the number seven, I have seven children after all, the seven wonders of the world, sorry Im tired and I ramble….2007 could this be the year after the seven year wait that I finally end up in seventh heaven, it all over, closure and be able finally to be free of one mans bullying, manipulation and his final insult of saying ” its all your worth” with regard to the settlement he has proposed….. WELL I AINT GONNA BE BULLIED ANYMORE!!!!!! I can wait and I know my own worth, Im priceless so this is not about pounds, shillings and pence and I wont be defined by those terms or any others that only serve to demean and humiliate me.

 There!!!!!! Im emotionally tired, physically tired but fiercely determined to just go home tonight and spend time with that woman living within who knows the nowhere place is only temporary, not for full time residence and as soon as the negative air thats lingers for a while clears, I will be far richer and have the kind of renewed strength that money just cant buy…..

Even just allowing myself to write this tonight has been strengthening and Im smiling again…it may all begin again tommorrow, one never can tell, but it will pass into another new tommorrow and another, but I have nothing to lose by hanging on in there and simply being kind to myself and finding my way home to that place within myself that says

IT WILL BE OKAY

Thank you for sitting with me x

On every thorn, delightful wisdom grows,
In every rill a sweet instruction flows.
Edward Young

Last night was a lovely evening, sitting with a man I love,respect and admire. Instead of cooking Alan suggested we go out for a chinese buffet, my favourite, it can take hours, eat copious amount of food, and anything you want. I tend to stick to starters and soup ( lots of them) so we both stuffed ourselves to the point of bursting….I of course had to have my mid course cigarrette and given that smoking is no longer allowed in public places in Scotland, this means going out in the howling wind ( such dedication, oh dear )  Anyway I managed to shut myself out of the resteraunt by closing the door behind me, which didnt open from the side I was merrily puffing away on………..Do I knock, thought I, plead to be let in again by some generous customer or waiter, or do I act as if nothing has happened and wait for someone else to come out for a ciggie and grab the opportunity, I was running the idea of scaling the wall through my mind when a handsome young waiter must have noticed the door shut and ambled over to open it………….could have kissed him.

I must admit that even as a smoker I so appreciate sitting in a smoke free atmosphere, just need to kick the habit once and for all………..two failed attempts so far.

The day was mixed, I was feeling quite down as my daughter left for London today, Im so pleased she has this opportunity and I know she will make the most of it…………the sadness comes from the fact that she goes with a little extra finance but not adequate, rather than my husband releasing money for her, he is taking advantage of yet another situation to benefit himself, and what he has offered my daughter really does put her in a comprimising situation, yet without acceptance of his proposal, she has nothing…………NOT GIVING UP!!!!!!Its frustrating in as much as I never know whats real with him…….BUT IM NOT GIVING UP!!!!

In the meantime I look at Alan and know he is trustworthy, generous of heart, a gentle and caring man…………..AND I FEEL SOOOOOOOOOO LUCKY, and that in itself cheers me up and strengthens me as do my friends on blogger

Tommorrow is another day after all

About an hour after my vent yesterday, I heard words that were totally unexpected, yet bring a glimmer of hope that not only I but everyone close to me will finally be able to close a door to the past and walk through the door to a better future. 

One of my daughters since the age of nine has suffered debilitating arthritis, a condition her specialist had thought may burn itself out, but instead went on to affect the vast majority of her joints…….Her determination has always astounded me as has her attitude, even when hospitalised for bedrest she has always managed to find her smile alongside her endurance of her pain…The condition has had an impact on many areas of her life and meant she could not always participate alongside her peers leaving her feeling different and excluded at some points in her life, yet she has shown a quiet determination to lead as productive a life as her condition allows.

She graduated last year in Fashion, design and textiles and this year gained a place to do a post graduate course with work placement which will give her work experience, something she finds employers are saying they are looking for…Work has its limits too, she has on occassions had to be carried to her car in order to get to work whilst earning extra money to fund her studies, her joints were so stiff first thing in the morning and so often she has been forced because of these flare ups to give up employment….This course is so important for her future and having already been funded for her degree, the  level of funding she will recieve for her post grad means living and studying in London would be impossible without  further help

In the meantime monies lie frozen in a joint bank account for the past 18months from the sale of the house..Until yesterday attempts to release some funds for our daughters benefit had fallen on deaf ears………..YET YESTERDAY!!!! I am told my husband now wants closure as soon as possible and is considering putting an offer on the table to bring this about……………………All he need do is agree to release enough capital for our daughter which was all I was asking but full closure would be a blessing

Dont normally rant but glad I did and thank you oh so much for listening, encouraging…..