EVERY NOW AND THEN*I KNOW

GREAT SPIRITS HAVE ALWAYS ENCOUNTERED VIOLENT OPPOSITION FROM MEDIOCRE MINDS ( Albert Einstein) 

Over the years Ive kept a personal journal, I have found it to be a great tool, a place where I can write what I imagine to be the real me at that time, a place where I can express my hopes, my fears, my gifts, my weaknesses.  Every now and then theres an inner knowing that I simply need/must sit down and reread what Ive written. In it I ask for what I need, what I would like to give of myself and things Ive been grateful for in my life.

Time in the past when Ive been all at sea or felt stuck, I write the I am symbolically… I find this very grounding.  Here I am..

I AM FROM LOVE

I am from pain, the pain of anothers labour

I am from darkness, born into light

I am from the channel, soft and warm

I am of the lone journey, to join life

I am the breath of life, my being

I am creation, unique, yet the same

I am of life and love

I am the child   

I am the mother                                                                                       

I am the orphan                                            

I am the parent                                                

I am the lover                                                 

I am loved                                                       

I am touched                                                

I am alone                                                        

 I am the silence  

 I am the thinker 

I am the thought of another 

 I am remembered 

 I am the forgotten one 

 I am known

I am the unknown, even to myself

I am the wind that stirs

I am the ice of time, frozen

I am the rain that formed the ice

I am the full moon that illuminates that which is frozen

I am the sun that warms

I am the rays that soften and melt

 I AM ONCE AGAIN MOVEMENT, I AM THE DISCOVERER, I AM THE ONE WHO JOURNEYS

I am just me, no more, no less, just Audrey

Now!! Something more cheerful and welcoming

I have found myself a new companion, he goes by the name of faero, as in the Egyptian sense, but have definitely got a bad case of word blindness when it comes to spelling it.

He is a two year old golden siamese cat, who,for reasons Im not too sure about needed a new home urgently.  I cant help but feel his previous owner must be missing him desparately at the moment, he is so affectionate and has a lovely,lovely character.

Honey thought she had found a new playmate, he however, very quickly let her know this cat aint up for playing with funny furry little dogs with one eye…She has been dispatched to Alans flat in Aberdeen, much to his delight.

I wish I could add a picture of him tonight but have no camera at the moment, however I will post one if I can.  This is close enough to do him justice however

He is with me till the 6th of April when he will go to his new home with another of my colleuges, I already know I will miss that strange meowwwwwwwww that siamese cats give off, but he is going to a good home where he will be much loved..In the meantime he is like an unexpected gift for me….purrrrrrrrrrrrfect

We must not wish for the disappearance of our troubles but for the grace to transform them.  
Simone Weil
 

I had thought Id learned my lesson well, but it seems not. Without meaning to I found myself transported back these past few days to a place that I left years ago, physically it would appear,yet I can see I have yet to travel some distance for the emotional leaving behind.

I have had Pats address for some time now, and at his request I have passed it on to everyone who needs it, everyone Pat would like to hear from.. I was also aware that his father would not have the address and given the recent capture of the british sailors and marines in Iraqi waters I felt it churlish not to send it to him.

Ive learned not to contact the man I spent 25 years of my life with and shared such beautiful children with, due to his behaviour which has ever been mentally and emotionally abusive, not only to me and the children, but many people he claimed to love and were close to him.  His response has left me saddened that even in these circumstances he cannot find it in his heart to leave his bitterness behind.

Along with the address I mentioned that I had sent some packages to Patrick and mentioned some of the contents so he would know what he had and could perhaps send something he may think he needs.  His response was a curt thank you, later followed by another e.mail stating that he and his family were having a mass said for Patrick which was far more meaningful than any material things I send him………Im annoyed with myself that I allow words like this that Ive heard so often throughout our marraige to still hurt me…but they do..

This e.mail was followed by 11 more all of an abusive nature no doubt, however I stopped opening them after the third, the rest remain in outer space somewhere.  He recommends I find my faith again and go back to church.

I could only respond that his value judgement as to what would be meaningful to our son at this time is just his opinion nothing more, and that my faith is non of his business nor anyone elses for that matter, just as his is non of mine.  I ended that given his christianity is something that appears to hold great value to him that perhaps one day he might just learn something called forgiveness……..-THEN I WENT AND BIT THE PILLOW..LOL

My story does not end here, his second e.mail was full of veiled threats about calling the children to give testament in court,perjury and prison sentances.etc etc etc, and my qualifying for legal aid. He had been told I would not be challenging his application in order to resolve things quickly

Much of his efforts to date have gone into attempting to have my legal aid withdrawn

I recieved my mail yesterday morning, amongst the mail a letter from the legal aid board, Oh god I thought here we go again, another attempt, another allegation to disprove, evidence to send…. dah dah dah

Could I believe what I was reading????, I had to look and look again, my jaw dropped, The board have TURNED DOWN his application for legal assistance………I could not believe what I was reading, given his circumstances, I had taken it as a given that he would qualify

MAYBE JUST MAYBE THERE IS A GOD AFTER ALL… we shall see, an appeal will no doubt be made, but who knows??

Given Patricks circumstances it all seems so irrelevant as do his attempts to bully me into submission, fostering fear and suspicion..IT DOESNT MATTER IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS!!!

Upwards and onwards, leaving the christian soldier to fight himself whilst I continue to send meaningful packages to my son…something tangible :)  

“Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.” ~Nora Roberts

Isnt he appealing, those puppy dog eyes, the look of hope/uncertainty?

The first is a picture of Jack the pup that Patrick spoke about finding and now living in camp with the Marines. I guess the animals too are the victims of war, yet these by the sound of it are playing a role for the young men out there.  I should imagine playful as puppies tend to be they bring some form of release and relaxation when the lads come back to camp from patrols, not a bad thing if even for a short time.

The situation out there feels even more threatening given the capture by the Iranians of the naval personel and Marines.  The last time I had contact with Pat was Wednesday and he did say then that the patrols he had been assigned to were ending and he would be doing something different. Im not sure where he is at this moment, going by something I trust at a deep level…….my motherly instincts and feel he is safe and well at this moment, but this is worrying and sobering news.

My thought and prayers are with them and also with 3 very young children shown fighting for their lives, their young lungs seared by a chlorine bomb that went off at the house next door to where they were playing. If any blessing at all its that they were being cared for in what appeared to be a well equipped, clean and good hospital, and hopefully recieving strong pain relief as they battle for their lives.

Do what you can not what you cant, so they say, so many candles will be light today, thats all I can do….This will end without a doubt, but this war has already cost so many too much…………..far too much in terms of human suffering.

Well here we have it the wink I had been waiting for and bless him for humouring his mother, Im even beginning to like the shirt…

Its been a funny week, however I wont go into that now.  Today I spent the best part of the day shopping for this young man and packing things in boxes and padded bags.  Roll on deoderant, foot powder, flea collars yes!!!! apparantly the sand fleas are a real problem, and on the advice of a wonderful lady on another site I am a member of I enclosed a couple. Chocolate, more chocolate and even more chocolate..then the socks specially padded on the toes and heels, crisps, moisture wipes, orange juice, rehydrating powdered juice.. etc etc etc.  All in all 5 padded bags and one box.. the funny thing is it cost more to post than it did for the contents.  Food is not too good and scarce in Pats own words, he is losing weight hence the request for chocolate.

Yes Mr Blair I thought of you as I carried out this act of love for my son, and couldnt help but remember your comedy act on Red nose day with Catherine Tait..Am I bovered, you said  Well I can answer that….NO YOUR OBVIOUSLY NOT BOVERED AT ALL!!!!!  I digress, and I will only get myself so angry that I will be spitting feathers and unable to sleep. I dont want a comedian for a prime minister, things are too serious for that and I AM BOVERED.

When I got home from my shopping spree there was a little card on the floor, someone had tried to deliver flowers and these had been sent to the neighbours, given that I wasnt at home.  Went to fetch them and on opening the card attached to them got the surprise of my life to find that they had been sent by Pat!!! I was choked, and still am.  He even thought to order a glass vase with them.

Now Im off to bed, a very very grateful mum indeed, this photo was posted tonight by Patrick so he is safe and well

Would like to dedicate that wink to a very special person who is struggling at the moment, just to let her know..friends are always there no matter what!!!! She is very special or SPEC as Ruth would say x x

  He, he!!!! Three for the price of one

Jono ( office jester ) Cheryl (office angel) and Bazza( office rebel) only too happy to help in my mission and entering fully into the spirit of things, cheering themselves up in the process after a loooooooong and boring Tuesday team meeting.

Barry told me when he lived in Glasgow, winking was part of daily communication, a wink always accompanied a greeting, he had to stop winking, he said when he moved to Aberdeen as people sometimes took offence, more so women, for him it was no more than an unthinking habit. LOL

I had a productive day, despite coming down with the dreaded cold that most of my colleuges suffered weeks ago, Its definitely red nose day for me, add the streaming eyes, sneezing and coughing…..sniff, sniff…And I thought I had escaped the bug!!!!

Headed for that lovely big warm duvet and soft pillow, with my box of tissues and lemsip for company.

Ciggarettes……….5 ( sadly takes more than a cold to stop me )

Alcohol……………..1 ( brandy in the lemsip does that count ) :))

Great songs…….. ( Barry stays for now)

Winks…………….. 14

Happiness……… Giddy ( oops too much brandy)

Toffee……………0 ( but working on it )

This is Bridget Jones imposter signing off and heading for dreamland x x

Sweet dreams

 ” I cant wink”, said Tracey, laughing……….but she did, and lovely she looks too.  This was taken at 8.45 this morning after a sleepless night, she was glad to get off shift needless to say, smiling as she went.

 Honey on the other hand appears a little sad  since watching Crufts with me last night, all those silken coats have given her a confidence crisis.  All the bathing and fluffing up with hair dryers got the better of me in the end so  I opted for the easy option and keep her trimmed.

 Alan in the meantime is stirring the pot, that contains the toffee (tablet) that he loves to make, and others love to consume.  He always makes  for Red Nose day to raise money and is to make some for favours for his daughters wedding, the personal touch

Im wondering if I try the soft whiney voice ” Darling, will you make some for me ” and wink..if he will spare some for me????

Cigarrettes…………….12 (so far)

Alcohol…………………..0  ( yet)

Winks…………………….5 actual, 4 cyber

Great songs……………unchanged

Happiness…………… winking from cloud 9

What on earth is this all about you may ask?????

Well Captain Honey and I have decided there is a distinct lack of winks in the world, and I have set myself a challenge to right this with the aid of my little pooch who will bite the ankles of those who fail to deliver

Have you ever had a happy winkend I wonder, No but isnt it a lovely idea.

  There is so much simple joy in a wink, I love them and it hit me today there has been a distinct lack of winks in my life lately,  I miss them, I want them back. The last time I remember recieving the gift of a wink was a couple of years ago, when an old man who must have been 80 if he was a day, smiled at me in the street, winked and said, ” do you mind if I ask you something. ” Not at all” said I expecting him to ask for directions or something similar……………”Can I have you phone number” he asks with a cheeky grin…LOL…His soft humour and spirit makes me smile to this day, and that wink with the twinkle in his eye.

So Ive decided Im going to  fill my week with as many winks as possible ( with the aid of my trusty companion of course who is exempt, I must quickly add under the animal disability act, only having one eye that works properly) Next week is officially winkweek. IVE DECIDED!!!  Already my days been brightened by the winks in the rouges gallery above, who willingly gave me permission to share my joy on my blog X X

Hopefully I will have much more joy to share with my fellow bloggers :))) Just need to think of how to share all the riches this will bring………..hmmmmmmmmmmm

 CIGARETTES….12

ALCOHOL……….0 (honestly)

WINKS…………..3

Great songs……1 ( dedicated this one to honey) wink I might take it off LOL

HAPPINESS…….doubled

True Bridget Jones style

I will be the gladdest thing
Under the sun!
I will touch a hundred flowers 
                                  And not pick one.                                    

Watch the wind bow down the grass,
And the grass rise.

And when the lights begin to show
Up from the town,
I will mark which must be mine,
And then start down.

Afternoon On A Hill
  Edna St. Vincent Millay

With a whole weekend off it felt like the hills were calling, so I packed Honey into the car and set off, 30 miles later I reached my destination. These were taken on a very windy day, at a place called The Cairn o’Mount. Its just  impossible to do justice to the panoramic vistas available at this place.  I used to live much nearer and could actually see the hills from my kitchen window as I washed my dishes and peeled ma tatties (potatoes)  Its such a beautifully rugged wild area especially in the winter time.

It was so good to get out and walk up there again, honey was a bit confused as this is the first time she had been on terrain like this, Oh dear!!!!! She kept getting lost in the heather.lol.

Spent a good couple of hours up here, then headed down to the foot of the hills again where I had a cuppa and a cake.

Think it reaches 14oo ft at its highest and one can see for absolutely miles from the viewing point. I think part of me is still up there, on the way home I told myself Im a definitely a country girl who loves to visit the city, not a city girl who loves to visit the country..This is something I must do more often.

This area which they call The Mearns has so much to offer, its very different to the green of the lakes yet has a beauty all of its own.