EVERY NOW AND THEN*I KNOW

Today is one of those good days.  I rang my daughter Rita, turns out she is in Edinburgh enjoying a weekend away courtesy of Thistle Hotels.  Rita and her partner had spent a weekend in one of their hotels some time ago, and in Ritas own words the room was ” BOGGIN”.  She after some procastination complained and was delighted to recieve in the post complimentary bookings for two nights at the hotel for a time of her choosing….Well!!!!!!! its a different story this time apparently she is spending this weekend in the lap of luxury, lol and thouroughly enjoying it..It pays to complain about bad service,poor value for money.. Im glad she is having a good time, she tells me the room overlooks the castle, which is beautifully lit up at night, and having spent a weekend in a hotel close by, I know what she means, the castle looks so romantic and atmospheric lit up against the night sky

Rita also gave me the best news I could have heard since Saturday. She had a text from Pat, that said he had landed safely and was back in camp till a sand storm died down.. Apparently he is based near Basra which is a bit more stable and out in the desert monitoring the border.  Its good to hear he is safe and well and good to know where he is.  I know the rest of Pats company went to Afghanistan and he was disappointed he was not going with his comrades, his company.  The loyalty and sense of belonging and caring for buddies is palpable amongst these young lads

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=peace

This site is one I visit often, when there is little one can do to change things, then I suppose we look for what we can do. I light a candle for peace often, and some others for individual causes. Tonight one is light for the parents who have lost their son yesterday from 45 company, a brave young man and for his buddies, his loss will be felt deeply.

Its been a strange few days, things have changed, I no longer feel whole, and am looking for ways to find a balance.

 Part of me feels as if its missing in a way, part of me was deployed to Iraq with my son I feel, and I wont feel the same again, this experience is already changing me as a mother, a woman, a human being.

I find it difficult to hear the words He will be ok from well meaning friends, he may, but on the other hand he may not, whatever fate deals, Patrick will be changed.  Im not being negative when I say this, I believe the realities are musts, so Ive been looking up sites on the internet, ways of doing something positive.  Ive found one where I can send packages of little things out to the men serving out in Iraq, so thats a will do. 

Other sites Ive looked at have been sites where families tell of the experience and effect of having their sons out there, the reality of how it is for them, their truth rather than a politicians spin. Some how I find this easier to hear which I find strange, its a comfort to know the truth as in some ways rather than sit with a false picture.

Some of the stories are so moving and so harrowing that its got me off my butt and writing to Mr Blair, the man not in power, for I dont see his decision to send troops to Iraq as a decision coming from a place of power anything but..

I do however see him as having a huge responsibility with regard to having made that decision, to ensure the men he sent out to such hostilities have adequate protection in the form of supplies and they dont!!! Shortage of vests, equipment, and outdated vehicles unsuitable for the dangerous situations the soldiers are faced with.

Ive watched stories of mothers who openly speak of how difficult daily life can be at times the worry, the not knowing, some families going as far as to take shifts watching the news reports.

 It was reassuring to watch and hear a mother say from her sons bedroom, ” Sometimes I just need to sit in his room and smell him on the sheets and cry”  Im not going mad after all and whatever it takes to get through, well thats what it takes.

Patrick left his camouflage hat behind, thats all that was on the floor of his room, and I take it with me on my sleepovers, just to have something to hold onto when the pangs of missing come..Im so grateful for that hat, its smell, makes him feel that little closer somehow.

If I sound negative I dont mean to be, in some ways to avoid the realities for me means to dimish the true horror of what Bush’s decision means to so many people on a vast scale, the stories of Iraqi children weeping, draped over a dead parents body…How will they ever begin to forgive I ask myself.

War, invasion, conflict of this scale resolves nothing and the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young have real meaning.  Its heartbreaking that as a human race we fail to learn the lesson.

Dont complicate the simple things they say and dont over simplify the complex, its complex I know, so for Tony Blair and his ilk,  come on our screens and simplify this act of horror with their justifications just doesnt wash, when the same politicians refuse to meet face to face and talk to the families affected, whos sons are serving over there and are looking for reassurances and answers…They obviously dont have any!!!!

As I said this was a ramble, Im contacting the support systems available at my sons base, think I will need that community, that sense of belonging, that shared experience, whilst hanging on in their in as positive a way as possible

Thanks for reading and sitting with me for a while

“Should I text her ?” he asked. Turning to look at my 19 year old soldier boy who was obviously struggling with a big problem I replied, ” Well! I think you really want to, otherwise you wouldnt be asking” “Of course!”, says I, “She wouldnt have trusted you with her number if she didnt see something that she liked about you”.  Fingers start typing earnestly into his little mobile phone. Decisions been made think I, now I can concentrate on my driving this young man back to base safely…  Arghhhhh *** *** I hear him say..

” Whats wrong” I enquire…. He tells me everything he writes just sounds stupid, so I tell him “just be yourself and keep it real, thats all that matters”.  

Does she know your going away for six to nine months I enquire. He tells me she doesnt,  as he thought if he told her he was off to Iraq tonight she may think he was full of bulls***t.  A big smile crosses my face and I think how much I love this young man sat beside me. The young man who spent over a hundred pounds on clothes he didnt really need nor like that much, who then went back to the same shop the week after and bought the shirt he is wearing in this pic, all because he really like the young lady who had served him…Lol  He on the second visit had plucked up courage to ask for her telephone number, which was duly given, much to his surprise I think.  By the time we got to camp he had pushed the send button and a reply had given him reason to smile. 

Patrick had a long journey ahead of him, an eight hour drive to Brize Norton where he will be flown to the Iraq/Iran border, he was much quieter before heading off this time and seemed to be delaying going back to camp, He did say that he has been selected for an operation with 3 others and is feeling his role carries a huge responsibility, it showed.

This is one of Patricks favourite songs, he told me this is the song he kept singing  to himself on a thirty mile run ending a 3 day gruelling exercise that he had to complete before passing his training.  He said it kept going round and round his head as he was running and it kept him going.

It was a busy Saturday, the girls came up from London to celebrate my eldest sons 30th birthday and see Patrick off on his tour of duty, by Sunday afternoon they had all left again. Im missing them all already and must admit to feeling a little sad, but smiling at the thought of Patricks journey down to Brize Norton being brightened by the text messages that obviously meant a lot to him..

A certain mother will be popping into a certain store in town, to have a peek at a certain young lady who made her son smile at an important time. Just a look mind, as its not my space, but Im curious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and nosey and grateful for the distraction as I found it hard driving him back this time, knowing he could be away for another 9 months maximum.

That shirt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL

This was taken on that frozen pond where the ducks were loosing their web footing and making those dramatic landings shooting across the frozen water with little grace and aplomb……unlike the two swans also resident on the pond, who were very graceful and dignified.

Im sitting here thinking thats much like life at times, its so easy to become like the ducks and lose that sense of balance, rushing around, losing footing…..Wouldnt life be great if we could glide through as gracefully and serenely as the swan, but life has other plans for us humans at times, not always ones we would choose as we all know.

Since my weekend off, Ive attended training on Mental Health First Aid on Thursday and today attended a conference run by the Scottish Recovery Network on the concept of recovery.  This has been placed high on the agenda by the Scottish Executive in order to promote an new way of providing meaningful services to promote mental wellbeing.  This is so challenging as it means a whole shift in attitudes and perceptions and ways of approaching and working to support people find their own path to recovery and not some proscribed path, chosen on their behalf.

I feel drained, inspired after hearing first hand so many recovery stories today, told in the most simple ways, raw and honest, challenging, yet as I say inspiring.  After lunch the session was begun by a stand up comedian, who had us all in stitches, a man who could barely raise his head to face the world less than a year ago, I saw painters, poets and great photographers, people who found validity through the power of creativity and self expression, art as a medium, productive and giving..

Most of these people would at one point have been seen, seen themselves as lame ducks perhaps, yet amid their struggle, their journeys, one discovers there is as much beauty in a duck finding its footing as their is in the swan that glides gracefully.

Do you notice that duck on the far left, legs splayed, hardly graceful, but like many of the people who told their story today he too found his feet again.  What really struck home today was that many of the people who spoke, still suffered many of the symtoms that can cause mental distress, often what their diagnosis is based on and the attached labels, but the resounding message…..’ I am more than just a package of symptoms, I am a human being who can work alongside, bear, overcome and still produce and contribute something worthwhile, valuable and meaningful to this thing we call life, mine and yours. 

 These images wouldnt upload, finally worked out they were too big and had to downsize them….still learning..LOL

Just loved the first two taken at the far end of Lake Coniston, the view was captivating, almost haunting.. This is my favourite area of the Lake District, perhaps because of the history, Donald Campbell  http://www.ruskinmuseum.com/campbell.htm and John Ruskin, although we didnt make time to visit Brantwood House on this trip, I remember visiting some years ago when I lived in the area and the view of the lake was beautiful, all those great poets and writers who visited must have found a haven for peace and creativity.

The others are views of the Old Man of Coniston http://www.walkscene.co.uk/England/Cumbria/Coniston1.htm  , once climbed, never forgotten.  Lots of slate and shingle making it a bit tricky in some places, but at one point you look back down onto the most beautifully coloured tarn,  waters of blues and greens because of traces of copper in the mines around there

Ahh Roll on summertime..

Snow on the hills around Ullswater

Travelling round Coniston lake came across a frozen pond, these ducks were a joy to watch as they skid landed

Swans on Coniston Lake

Coniston Lake

Its a dogs life, at least the dogs still smiling.

Got back last night after a lovely weekend. The sun shone, it hailed, the Kirkstone Pass near Patterdale was closed due to snow, so the weather was mixed to say the least. The hotel was lovely, the staff were all so friendly and helpful, the food was good, and sitting in front of the log fire after a days rambling was bliss as was the G&T.  Got lots of pictures, looking forward to getting them developed and downloading from my own camera, these are all from Alans

Didnt get snowed in so back to work tommorrow. Catching up later on with all latest

This is a picture of where I will be staying for the weekend. Its just minutes off the main motorway, yet set in acres of woodland, a real retreat.

 this is nearby Lake Ullswater

All these beautiful lakes are within driving distance Buttermere, Windermere, Keswick, Grasmere, this is what I call Gods masterpiece, when Im there looking at the wonderful landscapes, ever changing their appearance with the seasons, yet in some way so solid and constant. I used to imagine God with his paint brush and pallette painting a new fresh scene everyday, the everchanging skies of blues and reds, the hills, so green one day, slowly turning to lovely russets and golds. I so love this area and to this day feel it was a real gift to have lived so close, and to have raised my children when younger amid such wonderful scenery

It will be cold without a doubt when we go out and about, so I dont care how I look, the thermals are definitely being purchased this week, the silly hat WILL be worn and the wooly socks.

The Shap area where the hotel is, is notorious in the winter time for getting snow bound and its usually one of the first major roads to close in snowy conditions,  Just sitting here smiling…….we had snow in Aberdeen today…I wonder if it will get worse for the weekend……..thoughts of getting snowed in at Shap, unable to get back for work on Tuesday :))))))))))))

 An excerpt from an article by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be 
no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for.

Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of  

 stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our 
reach. Any small, calm thing that one soul can do to help another 
soul, to assist some portion of this poor suffering world, will 
help immensely. It is not given to us to know which acts or by 
whom, will cause the critical mass to tip toward an enduring good. 
What is needed for dramatic change is an accumulation of acts, 
adding, adding to, adding more, continuing.

 Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

This is written by one of my favourite writers, authoress of Women Who Run With The Wolves, a book that made me think deeply and had a huge impact on how I saw myself at one point in my life, she is very gifted and I make space for her on my blog tonight. 

 The hotels booked!!!! Just over the border in a place called Shap which is close enough to all the Lakes Alan and I would like to walk around and explore, I am just soooooooo excited, in some ways its a bit like going home, to my second home, if that makes sense… Must remember batteries for the camera…. ONLY SIX MORE DAYS!!!!!! Whoopee!!!!

One of my favourite Stevie Wonder tracks too from way back, still on track for my own special place in the sun, not forgotten